My Ass (A bit of Laurie & Fry)

Stephen is seated at a large desk in American military uniform, smoking a huge cigar: a Stars and Stripes flag hangs behind him.

Stephen Jacobson! Get your ass in here right now!

Hugh enters, also in uniform, carrying a holdall.

Hugh Sir!

Stephen Jacobson, what the hell am I going to do with your ass?

Hugh My ass, sir?

Stephen Can you think of one goddamn reason why I shouldn't kick your ass all the way back to New Mexico?

Hugh Well, sir if this concerns ...

Stephen You know what the hell it concerns, Jacobson. It concerns your ass! What does it concern?

Hugh My ass, sir.

Stephen Do you recall what it was I said to you the last time you were in here?

Hugh Well sir. You told me to move my ass, and haul my ass, and not to sit on my ass, because if I did, you would personally rearrange my ass.

Stephen Uh uh. Wrong, Mr Jacobson. I was not going to rearrange your ass - I was going to boil your ass in a bag, and have your ass for breakfast.

Hugh That's it, sir. Have my ass for breakfast.

Stephen Read that sign, Jacobson.

Hugh looks at a sign on Stephen's desk.

Hugh "The buck stops at my ass."

Stephen See, that's why I have this star Jacobson. Because my ass is on the line.

Hugh The bottom line ... ?

Stephen The bottom line.

Hugh I understand.

Stephen Well, I am glad you got your ass straight on that one. Now Jacobson, I've got myself a problem.

Hugh A problem, sir?

Stephen Yup. Seems that some goddamn college boy on the fifth floor wants a piece of my ass ...

Hugh Your ass, sir?

Stephen You bet your ass, my ass. If I could just get my hands on this guy's ass, his ass is history.

Hugh Whose ass would that be sir?

Stephen The guy who's got his ass in my face, Jacobson.

Hugh Sir?

Stephen Yes, Jacobson?

Hugh How does my ass fit into all of this?

Stephen It's very simple, Jacobson. You are aware that your ass is mine?

Hugh It is sir?

Stephen Oh yes, your ass is mine, mister. The day you joined the army, you signed your ass over to me.

Hugh I get it, sir.

Stephen Oh you do, do you?

Hugh This guy wants a piece of your ass, so you're thinking that, being as my ass is yours, maybe you could give him a piece of my ass as a way of saving your ass.

Stephen Shut your ass, Jacobson. Nobody likes a smart Alec. Now boy ...

Hugh Sir?

Stephen Got your ass with you?

Hugh Yes sir.

Hugh plops the bag on the desk. Stephen looks into the bag.

Hugh With respect, sir, don't jerk my ass around.

Stephen Mm. Nice piece of ass.

Genital amputation (A bit of Laurie & Fry)

Stephen is coming groggily round in a hospital bed. Hugh as doctor, sympathetically gazes down.

Stephen Oo-er.

Hugh Mr Kerniff ...

Stephen Mmm.

Hugh Mr Kerniff, how are you feeling?

Stephen What happened?

Hugh You probably don't remember Mr Kerniff, but you were in a very serious accident.

Stephen A van.

Hugh No. An accident. You were on your bicycle, and you were hit ...

Stephen By a van.

Hugh That's it.

Stephen Am I all right?

Hugh You're going to be fine, Mr Kerniff. Lots of drink and plenty of hot sleep.

Stephen Right.

Hugh But I'm afraid you did sustain a very serious injury to your genitals.

Stephen My genitals?

Hugh (Holds up stainless steel tray) As you can see.

Stephen Oh dear.

Hugh Oh, as you rightly say, dear. We had no choice but to remove them.

Stephen Oh no.

Hugh Oh, as you didn't rightly say, yes.

Stephen However will I manage?

Hugh Hmm. Did you use them often, Mr Kerniff?

Stephen Well, not really. But it was nice to know that they were there.

Hugh Quite. Well all is not lost, Mr Kerniff. Medical science has advanced a great deal. Prosthetic and substitute legs, arm, even noses, are now commonplace.

Stephen You supply substitute genitals?

Hugh Say hello to Killer, Mr Kerniff.

Hugh leads on a nasty-looking Doberman.

Stephen You're not going to ... I mean, surely you can't. For heaven's sake, I don't want a dog's genitals!

Hugh Oh what an almost amusing misunderstanding, Mr Kerniff. No no no. Killer will simply be your substitute for having genitals.

Stephen I beg your pardon?

Hugh Yes, I'm sure you've seen people walking round with Dobermans before?

Stephen Well ... yes.

Hugh Yes, well for men who have no genitals, the ownership of a Doberman or similarly violent animal acts as an important psychological crutch. And I stress the word "important".

Stephen Owning a Doberman is a substitute for having genitals?

Hugh Indeed yes, Mr Kerniff. Thousands of people compensate for genital inadequacy by owning large dogs.

Stephen But why?

Hugh Beats me, Mr Kerniff. I'm only a doctor. In addition we will provide you with a diving watch, a year's subscription to Guns & Ammo and this combat jacket. And these are yours too.

Hugh drops a diving watch, a gun magazine, a combat jacket and a bunch of keys on Stephen's bed.

Stephen Wh ...?

Hugh Keys to your rusty white van.

Stephen But, Doctor ...

Hugh Yes, Mr Kerniff?

Stephen I appreciate that you're trying to help here, but I also happen to use my genitals for, you know, getting rid of my urine ...

Hugh Oh don't worry, that's the beauty of the system. When people see you wearing a combat jacket and driving round in a white van with Killer, the piss will be taken out of you constantly.

"Spoonbending with Mr Nude" (A bit of Laurie & Fry)

Stephen Now, Mr Nude, you claim ...
Hugh That's right, I do claim, I do ...

Stephen Yes, you claim to be able to bend spoons with psychic energy ...

Hugh Psychic energy, yes, that is the method I have chosen, to bend spoons, yes.

Stephen How long have you had this ability?

Hugh How long, precisely, that's absolutely right.

Stephen Well?

Hugh Indeed, you are very sympathetic, thank you. It's very difficult when people are not sympathetic, but you are very sympathetic.

Stephen Thank you.

Hugh No, thank you.

Stephen Can you do other things with spoons, apart from bend them?

Hugh Yes of course I can. I can do anything with a spoon.

Stephen Can you?

Hugh Indeed I can. Give me a spoon, and I will give you the world.

Stephen Well that's a very impressive claim, certainly.

Hugh Thank you.

Stephen That's alright. Well Mr Nude, we have some spoons here. Perhaps you'd care to give us a demonstration?

Hugh I am not a circus freak, you know.

Stephen I realise that.

Hugh Some people think I am a freak. I am not a freak.

Stephen Well I'm sure that nobody here ...

Hugh "Freak!" They sometimes shout at me in the street.

Stephen Do they really? That's awful.

Hugh But you are very sympathetic.

Stephen Thank you.

Hugh Thank you.

Stephen Would you care to have a go at bending this spoon for us?

Hugh Thank you, yes I will bend this spoon.

Stephen Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Nude is now going to bend this spoon using psychic energy.

Hugh That's right, now is when I'm going to bend it.

Stephen Go ahead, Mr Nude.

Hugh Thank you very much, you are all very
sympathetic.

Stephen Well the spoon is certainly bent.

Hugh Of course it is bent. Of course it is. I bent the spoon, so, of course it is bent.

Stephen Yes, that much is clear and without argument.

Hugh Forgive me, I am very tired now. To bend a spoon is very tiring, and I have bent too many spoons today.

Stephen How many spoons have you bent today?

Hugh Four spoons today. It is too much. I am not a freak, you know. I am a human being.

Stephen Forgive me, Mr Nude ...

Hugh Of course.

Stephen Thank you.

Hugh Thank you.

Stephen But from where I was sitting, it looked rather as if you just bent the spoon with your hands.

Hugh What are you saying?

Stephen I'm saying that ...

Hugh What is this?

Stephen It's a bent spoon.

Hugh There.

Stephen Oh quite, the question is how did you bend it?

Hugh I don't know how much I like you now.

Stephen Well, I'm sorry.

Hugh Before I thought you were very sympathetic ...

Stephen Well I hope that ...

Hugh But now, I think you are not so sympathetic. Now, I don't like you.

Stephen I'm sorry to hear that.

Hugh At all.

Stephen Are you sure it isn't "fraud" that people shout at you in the street, rather than freak?

Hugh It is you who make the claims. I have always been honest. I bend the spoons with psychic energy, I have told you. I never claimed to be able to bend them with my hands. That is your claim.

Stephen And you did bend it with your hands.

Hugh The spoon is bent, that is enough. Perhaps it does flow through my hands this psychic energy of which you claim. It may be. Certainly the spoon is bent. Therefore I bent it.

Stephen I can bend a spoon with my hands too.

Hugh I have never said that my powers are unique. Always have I striven to teach the world that anyone may bend a spoon. My book is not expensive.

Stephen bends a spoon.

Stephen There.

Hugh To think I found you sympathetic. I hate you now.

Stephen Well next week I shall be examining the claims of a man who says that in a previous existence he was Education Secretary Kenneth Baker and I shall be talking to a woman who claims she can make flowers grow just by planting seeds in soil and watering them. Until then, wait very quietly in your seats please. Goodnight.

Hugh (Simultaneously) If viewers living in the Matlock and Buxton areas of Derbyshire would be so kind as to inspect their cutlery drawers at home they will find that they contain a bent spoon and an unused Weetabix special offer coupon. I can also reveal that everyone in the town of Datchett over the age of fourteen has a slight itch just above the right thigh which they are scratching as I speak. Thank you.

"The Good loser" (Rowan Atkinson as an actor NOT receiving a prize)

PRESENTER: Welcome back to the Oliver Theater Awards and we come now to the award for Best Actor of the year. And the nominations for this year are... Al Pacino for "Death of a Salesman"... Kenneth Branagh for "Richard III"

And then two actors both in the same remarkable new play, "Stench" by Harold Bartworthy; And the nominees are John Daniels in the role of Mr. Trotter and David Falbert in the role of Mr. Gamet.

PRESENTER: Now, these are four fine actors and I’m sure they all agree that the point is not to win, but to play the game....And the winner is... John Daniels!

DAVID: Oh, SHIT!

PRESENTER: Unfortunately, John is unable to be with us tonight. So I would like to ask his co-star David Falbert to accept the award on his behalf. David?

PRESENTER: David? David! Perhaps you’d like to say a few words?

DAVID: Thank you, Vanessa.

Ladies and gentleman, what a delight it is to accept this award on behalf of my close personal.... acquaintance, John Daniels. John cannot unfortunately accept it himself because he is in Hollywood... staring in his first major film role... with Meryl Streep. I am however, NOT in Hollywood, not having been offered even a minor role in a 8mm pornographic movie!

DAVID: But what a delightful object it is that John has won. Although I am sure I will very soon receive one myself..... when I next buy ten gallons of petrol at a Texaco.

So what is it that Johnny has got that makes him stand apart from other actors of his generation? Well, I think we all know the answer to that one.... syphilis! And what a great and heart warming thing it is..... that he has already started passing it on to a whole new generation of young actors.

Of course, to win an acting award is always a great honor but to receive one here in the heart of London’s famous West End on an occasion such as this HUGELY diminishes that honor.

What could be more dull than the sordid, back-slapping sessions where has-beens in tuxedos hand over to even OLDER has-beens in tuxedos, awards for plays that closed the WEEK before the opened, because the audience were clamoring instead for tickets to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s LATEST rearrangement of "Pucini’s Greatest Hits"!

Therefore, I cannot say what a delight it is that John has won this award instead of me and I should like to announce my retirement from the acting profession, in order to begin a lifetime of work amongst the mentally handicapped, in which capacity I look forward to meeting all the members of the judging panel very soon.

A day in the life of the invisible man (Another Rowan Atkinson's sktech)

And now, in the latest of our series, "A Day In the Life", we present A Day In The Life of the Invisible Man.

Every morning, I go to work by subway. Very soon however, I get bored and decide to start annoying other passengers. I usually select the most respectable looking person I can find and blow gently into his left ear.

...Then, into his right ear.

...Then perhaps down the back of his neck.

It's about this time that the man thinks I am a draft.

But not for long... For I soon stick two fingers up his nose.

Higher and higher! Removing them just before he sneezes.

Then I start to manipulate some other limbs.

Now I leave him alone... For about 10 seconds.

And when he is at his most vulnerable..., I kick him in the groin.

And steal his seat.

"And now, from Nazareth, the amazing..." (Rowan Atkinson Sketch of a priest)

And on the third day, there was a marriage in Canaa of Galilee.

And it came to pass that all the wine was drunk.

And the mother of Jesus said unto the Lord, "They have no more wine."

And Jesus said unto the servants "Fill six water pots with water."

And they did so.

And when the steward of the feast did taste of the water from the pots, it had become wine.

And they knew not whence it had come. But the servants did know, and they applauded loudly in the kitchen.

And they said unto the Lord, "How the Hell did you do that?!" And inquired of him, "Do you do children's parties"? And the Lord said, "No." But the servants did press him, saying, "Go on. Give us another one." And so he brought forth a carrot.

And said, "Behold this, for it is a carrot".

And all about him knew that it was so: for it was orange... with a green top.

And he did place a large red cloth over the carrot and then removed it.

And lo, he held in his hand... a white rabbit.

And all were amazed and said, "This guy is really good! He should turn professional!" And they brought him, on a stretcher, a man who was sick of the palsy.

And they cried unto him, "Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy." And the Lord said, "If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, I'd be pretty sick of the palsy, too!" And they were filled joy and cried out, "Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks. Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer." And there came unto him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord and believed.

And Jesus said unto her, "Put on a tutu and lie down in this box." And took he forth a saw, and cleft her in twain.

And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But Jesus said, "Oh ye of little faith".

And he threw open the box, and lo, Mary was whole.

And the crowd went absolutely bananas.

And Jesus and Mary took a big bow.

And he said unto her, "From now on, you shall be known as Trixie. For that is a good name for an assistant." And the people said unto him "We have never seen anything like this. You shouldn't be wasting your time in a one-camel town like Canaa. You should be playing the big arenas in Jerusalem." And Jesus did harken unto their words.

And he did go unto Jerusalem.

And he did his full act, before the scribes and the Pharisees and the Romans. But alas, it did not please them in their hearts. In fact, they absolutely crucified him. Here ends the lesson.

"A warm welcome". Rowan Atkinson Sketch (The Devil in Hell)

Hello, nice to see you all again.

As the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now - this is hell, and I am the Devil. Goodevening. You can call me Toby, if you like - we try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.

Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups.

Are there any questions?

No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.

Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me?

CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

Off we go...

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you could join them, and BANKMANAGERS.

Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.

AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormans who He realises put in a lot of work. The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for the last nine months.

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.

Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is.

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.

Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' Life Of Brian, I'm afraid He can't take a joke after all.

Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of exchange scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use their holoes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing.

Well, I have to go now, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes

chains,

and electrodes.