"The Good loser" (Rowan Atkinson as an actor NOT receiving a prize)

PRESENTER: Welcome back to the Oliver Theater Awards and we come now to the award for Best Actor of the year. And the nominations for this year are... Al Pacino for "Death of a Salesman"... Kenneth Branagh for "Richard III"

And then two actors both in the same remarkable new play, "Stench" by Harold Bartworthy; And the nominees are John Daniels in the role of Mr. Trotter and David Falbert in the role of Mr. Gamet.

PRESENTER: Now, these are four fine actors and I’m sure they all agree that the point is not to win, but to play the game....And the winner is... John Daniels!

DAVID: Oh, SHIT!

PRESENTER: Unfortunately, John is unable to be with us tonight. So I would like to ask his co-star David Falbert to accept the award on his behalf. David?

PRESENTER: David? David! Perhaps you’d like to say a few words?

DAVID: Thank you, Vanessa.

Ladies and gentleman, what a delight it is to accept this award on behalf of my close personal.... acquaintance, John Daniels. John cannot unfortunately accept it himself because he is in Hollywood... staring in his first major film role... with Meryl Streep. I am however, NOT in Hollywood, not having been offered even a minor role in a 8mm pornographic movie!

DAVID: But what a delightful object it is that John has won. Although I am sure I will very soon receive one myself..... when I next buy ten gallons of petrol at a Texaco.

So what is it that Johnny has got that makes him stand apart from other actors of his generation? Well, I think we all know the answer to that one.... syphilis! And what a great and heart warming thing it is..... that he has already started passing it on to a whole new generation of young actors.

Of course, to win an acting award is always a great honor but to receive one here in the heart of London’s famous West End on an occasion such as this HUGELY diminishes that honor.

What could be more dull than the sordid, back-slapping sessions where has-beens in tuxedos hand over to even OLDER has-beens in tuxedos, awards for plays that closed the WEEK before the opened, because the audience were clamoring instead for tickets to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s LATEST rearrangement of "Pucini’s Greatest Hits"!

Therefore, I cannot say what a delight it is that John has won this award instead of me and I should like to announce my retirement from the acting profession, in order to begin a lifetime of work amongst the mentally handicapped, in which capacity I look forward to meeting all the members of the judging panel very soon.